Needed

I needed you to love me.
It was a necessity for you to love me because
I didn't love me and I was too stubborn to learn.
I needed you to want me. No one has ever wanted me.
Not my parents. Not my family. No one. Not even you. Yup it's true.
I was pleasing people instead of pleasing God
and that method has proved to be a failure.
I needed you to marry me.
I thought our relationship would become better
when it reached that level but
I've come to the realization that we have to cultivate
a beautiful relationship before marriage because
then, just then, we can make it more beautiful.
Does that sound like a plan to you?
I needed you to miss me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Too much presence pushes people away.
I just wanted to be sure I was the person that
always entered your mind.
I needed you to control me.
The life I was leading wasn't making me whole.
So I thought you would lead my life and I would follow
but I haven't gotten very far with that neither.
Why? Because God created me to be a leader that had relinquished
power but I got it back.
I needed to hold me. Hug me. Kiss me. Please me.
I never wanted to let go!
But oh, it's all cause I didn't know how to satisfy the God in me.
I do now because God's in me.
Spirit to spirit. Leading the way.
I'm learning how to love me, how to kiss me, how to miss me,
how to nurture me, how to elevate me, how to ascend to higher heights
and I had to for me to be a powerful woman of God.

old note from 11/8/2010

I figured this conversation wouldn’t come out like I want to so I found myself writing you again. I hope you are reading my letters and understanding me just a little bit more. I haven’t told you but other than me sleeping all the time. I had time during the day to sit and think about everything and read and think about why people are the way they are.

Especially you… First of all I want to say I have no hard feelings what so ever. Your in your “seedless grape” stage and I think when a man is ready to be committed he will be. I mean come on your young and you have goals and things you need to get straight first. Hopefully commitment is something we both will want years from now, Us trying to be in a committed relationship on and off was never going to work. I’m just realizing all this now because I feel I’m learning or I have a better understanding of men and women. We are too young to want something so serious, and we should’ve never expected so much from each other. That’s what I think. All of this is a learning experience for the both of us. And at the end there’s a positive side!

Being good friends, developing some type of foundation, trust, and communication are some things that I think we should be on top of. I was talking about everything all backwards and because at times I can be young minded I felt I needed this and that, I needed attention, I…being selfish. I’m learning that you HAVE to love yourself, and I have to put my best foot forward. I’m accepting the fact that I got put back on the shelf lol and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Just because I wasn’t right for you doesn’t mean that I’m not right for someone else, or maybe (just maybe) we’re not right for one another at this time in our lives. We do see the potential in one another…

Just based off of hunger you went to feed your appetite…just being a typical man. It’s like an urge, a physical grafication, just a sexual urge. I learned that you won’t chase me but you will chase booty. You don’t have the time for me you want something easy and I understand that. The women you chose have no substance so at the end of the day I know I was true to myself. So if you had to put me back then o well. If you want something easy and rotten then that’s the stage the your in. When you grow up you will want something more of a challenge. Hopefully when you ready to commit you won’t have problems.  It’s a sport to you…It’s a sport to most men. (sex=sport) When I think about Rebecca and you, (Becca is a seedless grape) I learned that it had nothing to do with me. You being a man and see and wanting all the physical was what it was about. You going out looking for a quick fuck is you being young…and just like you I was once that person to. I’m more emotional so all my relation was built on emotion all your relations is built on physical. It’s never an emotional thing with you but always one for me.

I was seedless once, easy to talk to easy to fuck, very gullible, and nigga could tell me anything and  I love him, I didn’t know my value, and I didn’t know who I was. I was fast and I didn’t care. I couldn’t sustain nothing long term, I had no sustenance. Despite what you think, I’ve grown from that, I’m changing for the better, I have to. I can’t and won’t allow myself to be that person you always think I’ll be. Now that I know better, I’m doing better.

During this whole 2010, I really been doing some self-finding and understanding. Understanding how to be a woman, knowing my value, Being able to understand older and younger men. Being comfortable with being alone, Understanding the value of my couchie lol…I know it’s a shame it took over what like,  years to figure myself out but I know me. I’m seeded now. I’m a challenge (for the next not for you so you think) and there’s a process with me. And if a man doesn’t respect me and what I value then he’s not for me.  I know now that I don’t need a man to complete me, and that now I can sustain something long term. Women have power and set the standard for men.

I’m thankful for having better understanding and gaining more knowledge and life, and love. I’m glad that no man can sell me a dream and tell me what I want to hear just so he can fuck…been there done that. Melvin I’m 23 years old, for the record. Not that you think so I have a blank slate now and I can start fresh. Just because I was fast at times in our relationship doesn’t mean that I’m always like that. Please be open minded.

(I know you probably like child please but just understand that people grow up)

I’m not looking. I feel that I still have many things to learn. I want to offer more to the table in the next. I’m still developing ME. I feel that later on down the road whether it’s you or not I’ll be someones queen and they will be my king!

So anyway make sure you love one another but most important……love yourself. Thank you for your time!

Danielle

Mel 1

I know that you don’t usually read my letters but I’m hoping that you will read this one please give this letter the benefit of a doubt. I’m hoping that you try to learn more about me each and every day…because I’m a confused, troubled, women who really does need someone like you in my life. I’m not trying to be nice now I’m just telling you the truth. I use to sit around and play the victim acting like you hurt me so bad and I’m so damaged when truth is I was damaged before I even caught you cheating. I was damaged before I even met you. Everything that you do now and days just adds fuel to my fire. Especially when I’m trying to do right by you…If this relationship only goes as far as you want it to go then how much longer will you let this continue? I was holding onto a fantasy fairy tale of you and I instead of taking shit for what it was.

I know you love me. (Thank you) and I know you try to make the best out of whatever it is we have going on. Loving me is hard; respecting me can be harder at times. Especially when I just lash out at you a say harsh things, things that if you said it to me it would crush me…I don’t know how to fix the issues I have wrong with me…I don’t know how to make me better. Me thinking and wanting to be positive only last for a minute or so and every time I try to forget and forgive and move on I feel like I’m pulling myself back….back to everything that makes me sad all over again. I might not be a good verbal communicator but if writing it out is all I’ve ever done then you got to respect that. Not everyone is verbal and outspoken like you. Not me!

Forgive me if I jump from one thing to another since my mind is everywhere so are my thoughts and before I forget to mention something I’ll write it down while it’s still fresh in my mind. I know sometimes you think” man wtf did I get myself into…or Fuck that fat bitch how dare she disrespect me” I know what you be thinking when you get bothered with me but you don’t verbally come out and say it. You’ve been very respectful when it comes to me pissing you off. I still don’t know how you can remain easy after all that I say sometimes…

I’ve lost my mind and sometimes I think I’m unstable. But I pull together the little bit of sanity I do have for the sake of my daughter. Not to try to put the blame on anybody but I think my mother mentally fucked me all these years and that’s the main reason I’m the way I am. She never taught me any morals or values and the older and the more I look at her each and each day I grow to hate her…sometimes I want to fight her hate her because she didn’t set a good example for me. I feel like she’s the reason I’ll never succeed in anything. The sad part about it all is I’ll feel lost if I ever leave…My mind tells me I have to stay but my heart says as soon as you leave the door never come back.

Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality….sometimes I think I may be crazy and need to be mentally evaluated….and sometimes I feel like I got a plan for everything and I’ma put it into place and be all I can be….

                        I’ve been deprived of being intelligent.

My insecurity is going to be my biggest downfall. And you are the only one that knows how insecure I really am. To everyone else I appear to be so confident and sure about myself. I do love myself or do I? Every day I ask god why you still around? And I think you’re the person that’s suppose to keep me in order. I know I’m not yours but you ARE my best friend and inside I would fall apart if you ever loved someone instead of me. I know you deserve more I know you deserve a better women and I’m sorry I can’t be that one right now. I am so under construction…lol. I am admitting that I do have problems but now what’s the next step? Please help me for my sake, help me make me better.

You joke around a little too much. Jokes about you being a pimp and all and how you be macking to the ducks. Sometimes you say things you never should say to someone you have love for never say to someone you have history with. The more you joke the more I believe it’s actually the truth the more ill shit on you. (This is how I think about it)

Now back to the insecurity thing…you told me you had sex with someone else because they wasn’t fat or my size…you also said you couldn’t fuck with someone 150 pounds or more, your told me you enjoy dating white girls to get away from the drama you have with me (a black fat girl), you’ve told me how sex was with these women and how good it was and how dry I am. Is my beauty more than skin deep? All these things make me even more insecure makes me want to pull my skin off to turn the pain on something else….make me depressed and hate myself even more.

I started to go to the gym…working out trying to diet. You don’t really understand but it’s hard and I can’t do it alone. I might never lose this weight. I’ve been looking for a better job going on interviews so I can get a good paying job that way I can remove me and my child from my mother’s house and be on my own, me buying fresh shoes and new clothes I did all that for you. To look good for you so you would feel like you weren’t with a big fat slob….I don’t want you to feel embarrassed to be with me or to show me affection in public. (Which is something you never do since I had the baby and put on the weight) are you ashamed of me? That’s why when you do give me compliments and say nice things I just smirk and play it off because I remember all the things you left me for.

Are you afraid to love me unconditionally no matter what? Are you afraid to love me even when I’ve let myself go? I need someone that won’t pass judgment…I still don’t see how my weight is such a big deal when you still continue to use my body repeatedly to bring you pleasure. It’s been said that you hurt the ones you love the most and I know I have broken you down and made you the way you are towards me. I have said a lot of things I’m am not proud of and I’m forever in debt to you.

(So what do I want from you?)

I want you to me love me wrong or right, fat or skinny; I want you to continue to be a teacher and teach me everything you know. Grow with me and be forgiving, I want more affection (you can never show me enough), reassure me (which by the way you been doing sometimes…often), I want you to force me to be more outspoken more verbal and open about everything, uplift me, embrace me, appreciate me, make me feel like I’m the only one you love instead of making me feel like I’m 2^nd best on your list. I need help and I’m asking you as a friend you help me. Don’t let me go. I need you to never give up on me no matter what. You got to be there for me….

DMT

A Soulful Relationship

By. Reverend Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.


An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."


Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults are not really important.



Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.



You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?



You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.



Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

Q. What keeps a relationship strong?

Answer: Communication, intimacy (not sex), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email.



Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another.



Learn each others family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.



Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion.



“Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?



Always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the ‘I’. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

what I remeber ...all your wrongs

I remember being at work and checking my yahoo only to see pictures of you and another person. yall looked so happy together..my heart sinked that day. I couldn't even cry i didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep telling myself that what i saw was a big joke...that someone was playing a trick on me.

I remember you not answering your phone. When I called long enough you would finally answer and I would hear you in your car at like 2 in the morning and you would lie and claim you were home sleep.

you had me in some unbearable conditions...roach and rat infested house. Had me and my daughter sleeping on the hard floor while you were out doing your dirt. claiming her pussy was the best thing. loved it so much you wanted to get her pregnant.

you verbally abused me. calling me names bitch, fat, slut, whore you called me these name repeatedly...during conversations in person and one the phone, when you were mad, or when you wanted to make yourself feel like more of a man.

i remember her telling me what happen between yall before you finally admitted to it. I believer you and would believer you over her no matter what she said to me. You lied about evetyhing

you lied to me about how ling you been with her, hoew many times you fucked her, you lied about her being at the old place nad the new place.

I reme,ber the day you told me you nhad to drop off soemthing to her that she had got mailed to your house. You were gone all day and would not even answer your phone spending time with her while I was at your house wating for you. Our plans for that day got put on hold for another person.

you made a fool out of me for soooo loooonnnnggg and i just want revenge. I'll never be fatihful to you because all i can remember is how you fucked me over. we will never be the same. never. at after that.

Just Let u Go....

Alot of things are easier said then done.....

Many people have told me the only way I will be free and completely happy is to completely let you go. Meaning no communication,
no conversation,
no traveling to see you,
spending time, no i love you and i miss yous,
no physical contact....we really have to stop talking for us to get any better.
Not to say our realtionship is bad...on a scale from one to ten its a 7.

Our main problem is commitment and trust. We both have screwed each other over so many times that when we want to do right and be faithful and true its taken as a joke...something that sounds good for the moment and then he jumps back into his ways again. I admit I've did my cheating years ago...but I was also 19 and young and we were not seriuos about one another ...his cheating has been consistent and all throughout our entire relationship. Recently 4 months ago...my one time fling was just a one time fling...he has flings whenever he pleases. With that being said we could never be committed. could we?  I feel that I will never be able to trust him. Based off our conversations we had and I'm always finding out something new he cant be trusted. I do believe he has potential and he can be everything i want him to be in a man but maybe that's gonna take him being 35 to realize (fact-none of his uncles and male cousins are married, or in a stable relationship...go figure)

Were not committed to one another yet we question each other about everything. We do for one another as if we were a couple, we go on dates and are always seen together but yet at the end he's not mine. I think he knows I will forever be his...Maybe its because im young and still haven't learn it i don't know. But what i do know is love wont let me leave him. I cant go without talking to him or seeing him. I've tried dating other men but I feel uncomfortable around them and then I start comparing every little thing to him. From the way they look or how they conversant its not like him. When someone else touches me even if its just a kiss on the cheek goodbye or a friendly hug I don't feel right. After the date is over I feel ashamed as if I'm cheating or what im doing is wrong. I still haven't accepted the fact that he's not mine. When I do accept it my life wont be the same. I wont be the same. Things between us will change and I know I have the power to make that happen.

When we started dating back on '06 we were great... honestly we did more sexing each other then anything we really didn't know one another until two years later the words I'm pregnant came out then everything change. Change is good. I thank God everyday for my child and I wouldn't change a thing about how she came about. Now I find myself learning things about him I should've known over 4 years ago. We conversant a lot, about everything we are more friends now then we ever have been. I love that about us, and I'm glad it took my child to see how we really are.

I don't have the willpower to move forward without him with me. I know what i want, and everything I see includes him. I cant imagine things without him. And thats a HUGE problem I have I'm not dependent on him because i can do for my child and I but maybe I depend on him emotionally.

I put my name as the Virgo Maschnist because i agree i am one. Here's the definition....

NOUN:

The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.
A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences

Ive been mistreated and emotionally abused by this person, Been a victim of many unpleasant and trying expereiences and still I wont leave. I do get pleasure from it, sometimes i look forward to something happening or need something to happen. Am i crazy? Delluiscoonal? Inlove?

or really is this how young relationship go?

I don't like getting advice from people that are in no position to tell me about my relationship so I don't ask. I keep a lot to myself or now I blog...which helps.