I know that you don’t usually read my letters but I’m hoping that you will read this one please give this letter the benefit of a doubt. I’m hoping that you try to learn more about me each and every day…because I’m a confused, troubled, women who really does need someone like you in my life. I’m not trying to be nice now I’m just telling you the truth. I use to sit around and play the victim acting like you hurt me so bad and I’m so damaged when truth is I was damaged before I even caught you cheating. I was damaged before I even met you. Everything that you do now and days just adds fuel to my fire. Especially when I’m trying to do right by you…If this relationship only goes as far as you want it to go then how much longer will you let this continue? I was holding onto a fantasy fairy tale of you and I instead of taking shit for what it was.
I know you love me. (Thank you) and I know you try to make the best out of whatever it is we have going on. Loving me is hard; respecting me can be harder at times. Especially when I just lash out at you a say harsh things, things that if you said it to me it would crush me…I don’t know how to fix the issues I have wrong with me…I don’t know how to make me better. Me thinking and wanting to be positive only last for a minute or so and every time I try to forget and forgive and move on I feel like I’m pulling myself back….back to everything that makes me sad all over again. I might not be a good verbal communicator but if writing it out is all I’ve ever done then you got to respect that. Not everyone is verbal and outspoken like you. Not me!
Forgive me if I jump from one thing to another since my mind is everywhere so are my thoughts and before I forget to mention something I’ll write it down while it’s still fresh in my mind. I know sometimes you think” man wtf did I get myself into…or Fuck that fat bitch how dare she disrespect me” I know what you be thinking when you get bothered with me but you don’t verbally come out and say it. You’ve been very respectful when it comes to me pissing you off. I still don’t know how you can remain easy after all that I say sometimes…
I’ve lost my mind and sometimes I think I’m unstable. But I pull together the little bit of sanity I do have for the sake of my daughter. Not to try to put the blame on anybody but I think my mother mentally fucked me all these years and that’s the main reason I’m the way I am. She never taught me any morals or values and the older and the more I look at her each and each day I grow to hate her…sometimes I want to fight her hate her because she didn’t set a good example for me. I feel like she’s the reason I’ll never succeed in anything. The sad part about it all is I’ll feel lost if I ever leave…My mind tells me I have to stay but my heart says as soon as you leave the door never come back.
Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality….sometimes I think I may be crazy and need to be mentally evaluated….and sometimes I feel like I got a plan for everything and I’ma put it into place and be all I can be….
I’ve been deprived of being intelligent.
My insecurity is going to be my biggest downfall. And you are the only one that knows how insecure I really am. To everyone else I appear to be so confident and sure about myself. I do love myself or do I? Every day I ask god why you still around? And I think you’re the person that’s suppose to keep me in order. I know I’m not yours but you ARE my best friend and inside I would fall apart if you ever loved someone instead of me. I know you deserve more I know you deserve a better women and I’m sorry I can’t be that one right now. I am so under construction…lol. I am admitting that I do have problems but now what’s the next step? Please help me for my sake, help me make me better.
You joke around a little too much. Jokes about you being a pimp and all and how you be macking to the ducks. Sometimes you say things you never should say to someone you have love for never say to someone you have history with. The more you joke the more I believe it’s actually the truth the more ill shit on you. (This is how I think about it)
Now back to the insecurity thing…you told me you had sex with someone else because they wasn’t fat or my size…you also said you couldn’t fuck with someone 150 pounds or more, your told me you enjoy dating white girls to get away from the drama you have with me (a black fat girl), you’ve told me how sex was with these women and how good it was and how dry I am. Is my beauty more than skin deep? All these things make me even more insecure makes me want to pull my skin off to turn the pain on something else….make me depressed and hate myself even more.
I started to go to the gym…working out trying to diet. You don’t really understand but it’s hard and I can’t do it alone. I might never lose this weight. I’ve been looking for a better job going on interviews so I can get a good paying job that way I can remove me and my child from my mother’s house and be on my own, me buying fresh shoes and new clothes I did all that for you. To look good for you so you would feel like you weren’t with a big fat slob….I don’t want you to feel embarrassed to be with me or to show me affection in public. (Which is something you never do since I had the baby and put on the weight) are you ashamed of me? That’s why when you do give me compliments and say nice things I just smirk and play it off because I remember all the things you left me for.
Are you afraid to love me unconditionally no matter what? Are you afraid to love me even when I’ve let myself go? I need someone that won’t pass judgment…I still don’t see how my weight is such a big deal when you still continue to use my body repeatedly to bring you pleasure. It’s been said that you hurt the ones you love the most and I know I have broken you down and made you the way you are towards me. I have said a lot of things I’m am not proud of and I’m forever in debt to you.
(So what do I want from you?)
I want you to me love me wrong or right, fat or skinny; I want you to continue to be a teacher and teach me everything you know. Grow with me and be forgiving, I want more affection (you can never show me enough), reassure me (which by the way you been doing sometimes…often), I want you to force me to be more outspoken more verbal and open about everything, uplift me, embrace me, appreciate me, make me feel like I’m the only one you love instead of making me feel like I’m 2nd best on your list. I need help and I’m asking you as a friend you help me. Don’t let me go. I need you to never give up on me no matter what. You got to be there for me….
DMT
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